Milton Oliver
"I don't feel at all well..." -Milton Oliver Milton Hamleigh Oliver is the frontman of the MiltonCraft channel, known for his outrageous on-screen antics and boisterous behaviour. He founded the channel with his best-friend and coworker, Craig Jefferhys. Milton is the son of British TV chef Jamie Oliver, and has inherited much of his cooking prowess (and money), competing in and winning multiple cookery competitions across the globe. Early Life Milton was born in Catalan Bay, Gibraltar in 1998 to famed chef Jamie Oliver and a Gibraltan street whore during the filming of the unreleased pilot of Pukka Paradise. Due to Jamie's rejection of his newborn, and his mother's mysterious disappearance, Milton was adopted by an old woman (Marienne Bargola) and raised in a storm drain during a Gibraltan civil war. Local villagers took to calling him 'Miltien', which is a mixture of the spanish words 'Mil' (one-thousand) and 'Tien' (Have), likely in reference to the crazy amount of hair he possessed since birth, or possibly after his vast collection of ants which far surpassed any local collectors. Around this time he could often be found begging for scraps of olive bread in and around the local cafes and patisseries, and gained traction as a child beauty model at the local women's institute, the patrons of which would spend many a long hour braiding his luscious (Albeit thin) hair. Many elderly men shunned him as being a homosexual, but he just ignored them. This is recognised as being the first instance of milton 'Blocking out the haters', a common occurrence in recent times. During his 5th year on the streets, the old woman passed away, leaving Milton lonely and without a guardian. It was at this time that Jamie Oliver returned to Gibraltar, publicly going on record as saying, "I was looking for round 2 with a local bint". He instead found Milton, weeping into a bowl so he could drink it afterwards, and instantly recognised the strong Pukka-Presence emanating from the boy. Concluding that Milton had to be his child, Jamie took pity on Milton (And misinterpreting his name as the English name 'Milton'), Purchasing him a corrugated metal shack and access to as much hummus as needed. Milton also received a lime-green Gameboy Colour along with a copy of Mario & Yoshi, his introduction to the world of gaming. On his 6th birthday, Milton decided to take his own life, fashioning a raft out of miscellaneous stolen items scavenged from the local area, intending to float out to sea and starve/drown. This attempt failed however, and the raft disintegrated, leading to Milton spending a week adrift in the bay, earning him the title of 'El flotador de piel blanca', or 'The White-Skinned Floater' after several fisherman reeled in a bloated and sickly boy in their lobster trap. Milton is quoted as uttering the now-famous words, "No me siento nada bien" (Roughly translated reads "I don't feel at all well"). Jamie was alerted and flew straight to Gibraltar, deciding that enough was enough and offering Milton a cozy living space in his basement, putting Milton on the next plane to London. Life with the Olivers Upon their arrival at the Oliver homestead, Jamie engaged in a three-week argument with his wife Juliette Norton, insisting that Milton was not his child, and that he was instead an unwanted product of an affair that his brother Ian Oliver had engaged in. After much debate and three weeks sleeping rough in a gregg's car park, Milton was finally moved into the shed at the bottom of the garden, previously Jamie's Cookery-cove, which was filled to the brim with cooking equipment and spices. For the first year, Milton was not allowed passage into the household, spare on Christmas day to watch Gordon Ramsay's cook along live, and one day a month where he would be allowed telly privileges for 1 hour. Jamie's two other children Poppy and Daisy became obsessed with the tanned boy living in the shed, and would regularly slide ham and pancakes under the shed door. Rumour has it that they also taught Milton to speak English through the ever-locked shed door. Milton discovered many great things in the shed, most notably a large and mysterious tome bearing strange runic signatures, bound in leather. Upon an attempt at opening the book, Milton claims to have been engulfed in green smoke, and saw the silhouette of a great and immense beast, casting never-ending incantations as loud as a jet engine. Milton was found seizing in the garden, screaming "Kraag" over and over. Jamie nursed him back to health, and deemed the shed unsafe, allowing Milton to sleep in Daisy and Poppy's wardrobe. Milton was unconscious for 4 weeks, during which time he claims to have dreamed about eating endless pukka pies in a golden, beautiful forest. Jamie began to disappear frequently over the next few years, and by the time Milton was 8 years old he was already a cooking prodigy, the family relying on him to bring the gourmet foodstuffs and hearty Italian meals to the table during Jamie's long and oft unexplained absences. He perfected, and often improved upon, many secret Oliver family recipes, and began volunteering at a local soup kitchen, cooking his speciality dishes (Mountainese monkey omelette, Seagull Stew and Poo Cake). The Wandering Gourmet Milton, now aged 9, Decided that he had come of age and thanked the Olivers for their kind hospitality. Before he left, Jamie imparted multiple gifts upon Milton, including a Magic Backpack, a sachet of never-ending spice and his own Pukkanarium familiar; taking the form of a plastic butterfly-like toy that Milton affectionately named The Bird. Milton, stuck for ideas on what to do with himself, once again took to the streets, this time as a travelling chef. He went by the title 'Son of Jamie', and although few believed him, he remained vigilant in serving delicious Italian cuisine and gained a large following and multiple groupies. He began to worm his way up the country, making huge impacts on the food scenes of Coventry, Burton-Upon-Trent and Worksop. He came to a halt in the town of Rotherham, a settlement known for its contributions to Sheffield's booming coal and steel industries, and the historic home of the Chuckle Brothers. During this resting period, he met a local girl named Minnie Cooper, the 19 year old daughter of the chief coal miner, and immediately fell in love with her and her massive feet. They spent many a night bonding over their love for pasta and their shared hatred for coal (Milton once mistook a lump of coal in Jamie's Barbecue for a massive raisin). One night they took off to the coal hole to make sweet love, and assumed their usual position perched on a precarious ledge high above the pit. Working late into the night attempting to empty a coal node, her father Paul 'The Head' Cooper discovered them canoodling, and began to shout up at the pair, telling them to get down as they weren't safe. Shocked, Minnie lost her balance and tumbled down well over 100 feet of sharp rock and coal, impaling herself on some rusty equipment down below. She died instantly. Milton fled the scene but Paul gave chase, barking insults at Milton at volumes of over 100 Decibels, owing to his title. Local eyewitnesses claim to have seen a naked, coal-covered 9 year old boy being chased by a man with a huge head, all throughout the night. They were sighted on nearly every street in town, eluding to the fact that the chase covered huge amounts of terrain. Eventually, after 13 hours Paul let up, and collapsed in a fit of tears shed for his lost daughter. Milton hid in a wheelie bin for a week. Milton among the Scunnies After a week of hiking, Milton found himself in Scunthorpe, a charming place near Yoek. In a state of total depression and desperation for his fallen love, Milton sought refuge in the wine cellar of a local pub, Beefeater The Anchor. The owner discovered Milton's lowly hovel, but allowed him to stay in exchange for menial bar work (Servicing pumps, refilling taps from the Hramme vat, clearing out a rat infestation caused by a rogue magician). During his first night shift, two extremely rowdy men caused the largest beer spillage in UK history, leaving milton to mop up 6 inches of Hramme from the floor, and proceeded to laugh at him and film the event on their mobile phones. Every night for the next 2 weeks the men returned and pranked Milton relentlessly, knocking over drinks both theirs and otherwise, and even going so far as to insert their unwashed fingers into the keg. Milton attempted to complain to the owner, but he dismissed this, claiming that the two were actually the pub's most loyal customers, as well as local stars of the pub rock band Baked Potato. Milton approached the men, named Barry Podmore and Chet Banally. At this point, Paul Cooper entered the bar, demanding a pint of draught Black Sheep and a plate of Rump Lamb Steak with Kale. Spotting Milton, he quickly became enraged, bellowing at a volume that shook the very crust of the earth. To Milton's surprise, Barry and Chet returned fire with a bellowing roar of equal volume, and broke into a jeering melody about vanquishing newcomers to the bar. An epic bar fight ensued, leaving Milton with his trademark facial scar and verbal tic. Chet managed to pin Paul Cooper down, and Barry shouted in his ear so loudly that his giant head was fractured in 3 places, leaving him moaning and unable to fight. At this point Barry bestowed Milton with his blade, a cavalry bayonet that his father had wielded during the english civil war. This would come to be known as Captain Milton's Blade, and Milton (at the suggestion of Barry and Chet) used it to slit Paul Cooper's throat, Milton's first confirmed kill. Casper Podmore Barry Podmore adopted Milton into his self-proclaimed 'Fat Family', alongside his son Pete and wife Natalie. Shortly after, Milton's 10th birthday rolled by, and as did Milton, as he had put on considerable weight in the hands of the Podmore family. Milton has since claimed that a typical Podmore dinner consisted of 42 fish fingers, a platter of chicken nuggets, several bottles of Daddies Brown Sauce and green giant sweetcorn (Which was used as a garnish, but never eaten). Deeply ashamed of his weight, Milton sought an anterior identity, and Barry suggested that he change his name to fit in better with the family. And so, Milton was dubbed 'Casper Hamleigh Podmore', after Barry's late uncle Casper. To commemorate the occasion, Chet gave Milton a baseball bat to fend off newcomers to the Anchor, and Milton named it Lucinda The Bat after a cute dog he met in the street. Milton resumed his work at the Anchor, earning employee of the month for killing 2 moths in a row. Using his meagre earnings, he opened up a stall selling burgers and hotdogs in Scunthorpe city centre named 'Podburger', and made his first million within a year. RuneScape Milton invested some of his vast fortune into purchasing himself the latest and greatest in gaming PCs (An Orken Powerplus Kraken52 with 64GB of RAM, an ANUS 40 motherboard, NVISION GTS770 GPU and a 6 inch vibrating silicone knob). Milton also discovered RuneScape, and became dangerously addicted to levelling up his character, an dark elf ranger named Titannia_Buttstone. Under this username he managed to seduce rare and valuable items from many male players, including Barry Podmore's own account in an incident that tore the household apart around the time of Natalie's death from ruptured stomach cavity. One of the men that Milton seduced was a user by the name Mahoovis, who was a LVL100 Anthro-Fox warrior of the great clan Battleboys, and this user lavished him in many incredible gifts, including the highly coveted 'Witches Stick' item from a Walmart promotional event. Milton revealed that Mahoovis had been catfished, but to his surprise Mahoovis seemed unfazed, citing that he though Milton was a 'real cool guy' and 'clever too'. The two began to play frequently together, Milton pressuring Mahoovis into disbanding the Battleboys in favour of Milton's clan, The Panty Raiders. They embarked on many raids together, and at an unknown point they were top of the leaderboard in the 'Cool Friendships' category. They took their friendship to the next level with the introduction of voice chat over the then-popular calling app Skype, where Mahoovis revealed that his name was Craig Jefferhys, and that he lived in Ipswich. Barry's Breakdown Meanwhile, Milton's relationship with Barry was becoming increasingly toxic, with Barry often taking out his grief for the loss of his wife by tossing items from Milton's RuneScape inventory whilst his computer idled, or beating him into the ground. Chet was concerned for Milton's safety, and for a short while let him stay in his bungalow on the outskirts of the nearby hamlet, Bramley, affectionately titled 'The Fungalow' due to Chet's interest in the cultivation of mould on the ceilings and walls.Category:Characters